Ribs, Spine and steak.

     It seems that every time I try to blog a group of loud people are at the pool just partying it up. Super obnoxious, super immature, super distracting. I want to buy a house and my own pool. Distraction free. So I can write beautiful blogs and beautiful stories of love and poems. Beautiful flowing poems.

     I decided I am happy. My focus is not on myself. It should be but its not and it feels good to be happy. Feels better to be empty. Trying to fill your emptiness is pointless. Its like standing in front of a tornado that is about to rip through you and your childhood home. You beg for it to stop and try to explain the importance but before you can finish you’ve been swooped into the tornado. No finished last words. I don’t want to be swooped into the tornado that symbolizes an eternity of being out of control with myself. Meaning eternity of being fat. So instead of trying to justify how important food is to me and why I should eat is just pointless. Its pointless banter before a much bigger obstacle. The obstacle doesn’t sympathize with you it doesn’t give you one last chance. It has no feelings no remorse. Nothing. It just tares right through you and your home. No last words. Just interrupted banter.. I’m stopping this banter. I also associate being empty and filled with filled of friends. I love everyone I work with. I’m attached to them. I associate being empty with being lonely. Feeling nothing filled with nothing. Its easier. Then to be attached and loose them. But why take the easy road. God said take the narrow road. More obstacles. More hurt. More food? No thank you I’ve already been filled today.

     Fasting news: Sunday I got too high for my own good. Ate most of my food.
Monday night I got high and ate trail mix. Tuesday when I woke up I ate tacos. I started my period but sometimes its easier for me to fast on my period. Thursday, Today I started a fast. For how long? Who knows maybe I will fast until I can afford to buy food again. I maintained the same weight for so long and then I ate steak and some how gained  3 lbs(1.36kgs). Today its fasting time. Time to get serious. I need to drink water. Eat ice. Perfect meal.

     Monday night everyone from work decided to camp out on the beach. I decided to go and bring my dog. I got there around 1:30 in the morning. Started drinking then decided to smoke with  one of the guys who I am close with at work. We’ve smoked together  before I’ve never been interested in him. He is the typical nice guy. He is about 5’7 or 5’8 skinny, short blonde hair, beautiful baby blue eyes. He always wears blue shirts which bring out his gorgeous eyes even more. He is a science major and kind of a dork. We will call him Treat for now. I’m not sure yet if I am going to put him in my characters. Anyways we were smoking and he would look at me with those I want to kiss you eyes but I pretended not to see.
And then he said it. “I want to kiss you.”
 Me: “What did you say”
Treat: “What I didn’t say anything..”*laughs*
Then I kept talking again about shit that doesn’t matter.
Treat: “Man I really want to kiss you right now.”
*Leans in for kiss*
* I back away*
Lying I say “I can’t tell if you really want to kiss me or not.”
I knew very well he did. He wanted my kisses.
He leaned in again. I kissed him. I’m not sure if it was a pity kiss but I kissed him. I was high and drunk and I kissed him. I couldn’t help but laugh. I laughed at the fact I was kissing a boy that I kind of figured was a in the closet gay. He is one of those guys with a lot of friends that are girls. He reminds me of a little school boy, he has crushes and kisses girls he’s sweet and innocent.
He stops kissing me and asks me why I’m laughing. I tell him its because I am high. We start making out again and I interrupt  the kissing session with my laughter once again.
Treat: “Your really making my self esteem go down.”
Me: “ Aww no I’m laughing because I am high. You’re a great kisser I swear. But I’m just confused at why you want to kiss me.”
Treat thinks for a minute. Probably contemplating the right answer.
Treat: “I don’t know. Because your pretty and I just love your smile. Its so contagious.”
Me: “oh”
Treat: “My intentions are only kissing. I wouldn’t mind other stuff though but my only intent is to kiss you.”
So I continued kissing the school boy and that was all we did. At work we haven’t made it awkward he doesn’t flirt with me as much, but as long as we stay friends is what matters.



     I have another story of some other boys but this post was already long so I will try and post it this weekend or next week. Continuing my fast!! Also commenting some blogs :D

Love you all.
Ribs and Spine thinspo:

I haven't seen you here for a while

               Hello new and old followers I am so sorry for neglecting my blog and yours. I've been busy soo very busy with work and finals. I'm not sure if I passed my classes yet for sure I have to go talk to my counselor and see whats up with that. There is a boy in my life well quite a few.. I just like to keep my options open I guess. I promise to post once or twice a week from now on. My weight is still the same. Sadly no fasting and definitely NO binging. Fuck binging.. Anyways I will try to post tomorrow again a much longer one with plans of fast and an update of my boys and job oh and pictures of my new apartment. It feels almost impossible to read through all of your blogs and comment but I am going to try.

            I kinda miss not having a life but keeping busy has been fun....except I never have time for anything. I've made a lot of friends at work. It feels nice being liked. When I walk in and people call my name like "aww ____(input real name here)___". Being missed when they just saw me yesterday. I am also less depressed although I could never tell the same secrets I tell you guys it still feels nice to have people around. Not being alone...its nice. Its been hard for me to get to blog because I don't have internet in my apartment. The apartments have internet in the front like around the pool area so that is where I am sitting right now. I feels nice outside there is a cool breeze. A nice ending to this hot day.


            So at work I was almost fired. At my job you have a probation period where you get 90 days to basically not fuck up. Well I fucked up. I got written up twice for legit reasons of being late. The third time was bullshit. I got written up for forgetting something for another girls table and when I went to tell her that I forgot maybe 10 minutes later she freaked out and told on me. She is a favorite at work...don't fuck with the favorites. I am so used to being liked by everyone but I don't think the managers like me because I screw up quite a bit. So friday they called me into the office and tried to 'terminate' me but when needed I can cry. Usually I don't because I feel weak when I cry so I avoid tears at all cost. Any whoooo I started crying and explained my head hasn't been fully there because of finals and I that I really loved this job and one last chance would be all I needed to prove I was a great waitress. I also never beg. I did. I love this job and I love the people. I just suck sometimes. So she, one of my managers the idiot one, decided to just suspend me. It sucks because I miss a weekend of making lots of money but at least I still have this job. I come back from the vacation aka suspension monday. I hope and pray I can prove myself to them. Please do whatever you all believe in hopes prayers ect. For me to keep this job and make lots of money.


I love you all and have missed you all so much. Be back tomorrow my loves.
<3

Quick and simple

Hello my loves sorry for the no comments or post. I've been super busy with work. I like it and I'm making lots of money..YAY!! :) I will have a full post tomorrow. I just weighed myself and its midnight and I weigh 159 lbs(72.12kgs). I haven't fasted in forever, I guess all the running around and dancing I do at work has really had its affects on my body positive and negative. My feet are killing me. Every night I literally limp to my door, limp upstairs, limp out of my clothes and into bed. Its RI-DIC-U-LOUS!!!!!!  Anyways I have to go eat now. Fast plans are coming soon. Tomorrow I will think of how long of a fast I will do.

<3 FATASS

I was afraid to be alone..but now I'm scared thats how I like to be.

      Yesterday I trained with Mr.Mchottypants himself (the boy I went to school with) he trained me for work basically I followed him around for an hour. I even got to take a tables order. I didn't do to bad at it either. He kept asking me if I was okay when I would carry a tray full of drinks to a table.. I'm not sure if he cared or if he didn't want me to mess up his tables drinks and possibly loose tip money. Whatever it was he is so hot. He played football in high school and is still so built from it. I am so small(height wise) compared to him. Which doesn't take much because I am only 5 ft. 1 inch. He stands so tall and strong next to me.

     At the pool yesterday I drank entirely too much and drunk-dialed a lot of people. Military man a was included in that list along with my booty calls. He was talking to me a lot yesterday but I didn't get to post about it. Today not so much.. I don't even remember what I said. This could be bad. After drunk dialing him I broke into my moms new boyfriends car (who is also a police officer) and sat in the back until they came back from having dinner. It was unlocked but basically I broke in.. hehe. What can I say..his car had that new car smell. Betty(aka drunken alter ego) just had to break the rules. Anyways I decided that night that I didn't like my moms new boyfriend he seemed uncomfortable with how me and my sister LS were acting. When all of my sisters and I get together its like the show The Kardashians.

We are wild and loud and perverted. We grab each others boobs and slap each others vaginas we are weird sisters. But when I can tell someone is judging my family I hate them. Thus I hate my mothers new boyfriend. So I got into my car angry and drove away. I....well Betty decided she wanted to swing. So I went to the park and swang for a while then decided to hide my keys from myself so I could text people asking them to come pick me up. I was so lonely and even contemplated floating away off the dock. After falling off of the jungle gym I was too bruised and sore to enjoy the park so I went on a scavenger hunt for my car keys. After finding them I got really depressed and drove to the boat drop off and called my good friend K. Told her about my thoughts of suicide and she called the police. Good thing after I got off the phone with her I drove home. I now have a voice mail for the cops on my phone telling me to call them. I hate feeling so lonely and so depressed. I hate to say it but I don't know how much longer I can last. I just want this period to come and go. This is too much for me to handle.

     I was fasting today but had to eat bread because my stomach was killing me from my hang over. I thought I should just curl up and die then, after eating a piece of toast I felt much better. I keep going outside to sit in the sun because I remember my therapist once told me dark lighting may depress me and that I should sit in the sun when I get depressed. It didn't work. I waited and waited it was beautiful outside but all I could think about is how I don't fit into this beautiful world.

      I won't lie I want Chinese food and if I had money to get some I would but saving for the apartment is more important to me right now. I am so bloated it looks like I'm pregnant.

Sorry for the scattered post. I'm just feeling a little down.

All my eyes can see is what they know.

     Today I am fasting. I've got good self control on my mind and I am ready... no more sadness..over DT. I am moving on. Today is a good day. I feel like things are moving forward. I have forgiven him. Besides there are so many cute guys at work. But a promise I made to myself is to not shit where I eat. Meanings only platonic relationships for the people I work with. No sexual relationships. The girls there are skinny. So it pushes me that much more. I've been drinking water all day. I get free soda at work but I refuse to drink it! Only water for me all the fatties can have the sodas. Today at work this hot co worker (who I went to high school with) asked me what happened to my wrist because I had it wrapped in a cloth cast ( to hide my cuts). To my surprise I quickly made up a lie and said I fell out of a tree. He laughed and told me I should lie and say I got into a fight or something more creative. So cute..........Silhouette DON'T shit where you eat!!!- I will just keep telling myself this.

     I don't think Military Man A is going to be in my life much longer. I need to get him to buy me a ticket first then. Before he quietly steps out of my life. I really kind of liked him too. We have similar music taste and music means a lot to me and he nailed it. He has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair. Blonde hair isn't really my type but I let this go because he has these lushes lips that I want to kiss. I want so badly to have a boy to call my own but there are so many other things I need to focus on. My job is number one right now and school especially because finals are coming up. I have so many test I have to pass before I even get to be a waitress at work studying right now for the test tomorrow. Wish me luck on the test tomorrow. I will need it.

Night Ladies.
<3

Some days are better then others.

     I am drinking.......This morning I was driving and started crying. I just broke down crying. I missed DT and I still do. When I woke up I weighed 159lbs(72.12kgs) and all day the scale has stayed the same it actually went up to 160lbs (72.57kgs) for a little bit. I don't know if I am about to start my period or what but this and the fact that DT and I still aren't talking drove me to drinking. My wrist itch from the cuts ugh. I must be about to start my period I am being such a drama queen. I miss the boy. And this military man a is nice but its like I love and miss DT. How am I supposed to have any type of feelings for you when I am thinking about another man. Am I ever going to fucking get over it? I want to call him. I want to drive to see him drop everything and drive out to see him. I want him to hold me like before. I always felt safe when he held me. Almost like I trusted him. But I didn't because that stupid bastard is a cheater. You can never trust a cheater. I just want to call him now. I want him to call me. I know he won't though I told him I would change my number. So as long as he thinks I changed it he won't call me. Military man a did a good job today at distracting me. We have stopped texting and now all I can think about is DT. oksy I am really drunk now and teting military man a night night. Too bad he is a plane ride away. I would want sex right now!!!!

thinspo tomorow love yalllllllllllll

I want you to take over control

     So this weekend didn't turn out how I intended. I didn't eat eggs. I ended up eating sushi and other things. Its almost impossible for me to turn down sushi. Especially when its free sushi provided by my friend K (who is a stripper and just looking to throw away money). From the weekends food I gained 3lbs (1.36kgs). Yesterday I fasted the entire day but came night I caved in, to this stupid but oh so delicious rice. Some how I still lost weight though. Today I fasted all day and this morning I weighed 161lbs(73.03kgs) BUT I just weighed myself now and I weigh 159 lbs(72.12kgs) YAY out of the sick sixties. Moving on to the fat fifties. 

     Today I signed my lease. I have a plan c if I don't make enough money. I have a feeling I might loose followers from saying this but my plan c is dancing. Lets be honest about this respectful term called dancer. The dancer I am talking about is the let me stick my but in your face and shake it for a $50 dancer not the let me honorably twirl on stage dancer. I know its wrong but the other night after a failed suicide attempt. I knew I had to get out of here. Away from my father. I love him so very much but he is suffocating me. If I have to I will sell my body not have sex or anything sexual but dance for money. I have been dancing since I was little so I am very flexible. This is only a plan c. Plan A is that I make the money. Plan B is that I use a credit card. Plan C is the regretful dancing. Nothing has to be more painful then sore cut wrist. I will sell my soul for rent just to get away from my beloved father.  I need this freedom, I need this life away from my father that all my siblings have but me. No one understands my pain. He is a stressed man who is very bitter. Everyday he curses my mother for leaving him. She was smart to get out, and now I will be too. That sounds terrible but I have to.

     This weekend my sister YS who's husband is in the military let me speak to one of her husbands military friends who thought I was hot on the phone. Needless to say we've been talking and I convinced him to buy me a plane ticket to go see my sister. He hasn't bought it yet but he promised and I believe him because he is genuine. He told me he wants to take me dancing one night. He is so sweet. I am not sure what to call him or if he is going to be important in my life or not so we will just call him (for now) Military Man A. I am supposed to fly there after my semester at school ends on may 13th. So some time after that I should be going to see my sister and my military man a. I want to be at least 150lbs (68.04kgs) by then.
We will see. I don't have any plans as to how I will do this. Just some simple fasting. Then of course restricting. So I will fast tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. Oh and also J and I have still been talking about stupid shit. But I kinda like that were actually talking and not using each other for sex. Which is how our relationship usually goes. I feel like I am starting to get to know him and of course the down side of this is I am starting to like him. Once again. Stupid girl, will you ever learn? I just love his personality, he is not nice at all but that is what I love. I love ass holes. There must be something in the water because my friend K can only pick assholes too. I weighed myself just now because of how anal I am and I weigh 160lbs(72.57kgs) Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Going to bed -_-