Trinity's Crying

     This morning when I stepped on the scale heavy from the day before's food rotting in my stomach I weighed 166lbs(75.3kgs) Yuck.
Today I have consumed:
-water (of corse)
-Naked All natural fruit boost

     This Naked juice is yummy and a great after work out reward especially when I feel the fainting point. I love this juice. I got it from Target next to the salad supplies, fruits and vegetables. Its 100% juice and there is no sugar added. It even has what fruits and the boost it is made with. 

The fruit: 2 3/4 apples, 1/2 banana, 1/3 kiwi, and a hint of pineapple
The Boost: 1300mg spirulina (I have no idea), 400mg chlorella, 100mg broccoli, 100mg spinach, 50mg blue green algae ( doesn't sound too pleasant), 50mg garlic(?) 75mg barley grass, 75mg wheat grass, 50mg ginger, and 50mg parsley

      Wow for having all that stuff in it, a lot of it gross sounding, it tasted fucking awesome. The calorie count is 280. Not the number I want, but it has all of this healthy stuff in it so I won't complain. :)

     I didn't do too much cardio at the gym which is regrettable but there were just so many people in there and it was making me nervous. I tend to get "nervous" or as my doctor likes to say anxiety when I'm on a mission and there is a lot of people blocking me from getting it done and not letting me focus. So I tried to get out of there as fast as I could.

     K and I wanted to do a GTL day (gym, tan, laundry) but we decided not to because our schedules were different. I think it was a good thing we didn't hang out though because I always feel obligated to eat around her. Even when I don't really feel all that hungry just because of her smirky little comments. I hope she doesn't say anymore there really starting to get annoying. I might just look up effects of sex addictions and throw them in here and there just to see how she feels but I'm not in the mood for a fight right before we leave for spring break.

     Disappointed because I haven't had the first growl of the fast today. Really what can I expect, I've been eating normal for the past 2 weeks. Hopefully it will come tomorrow. I don't even feel hungry. Just a little lightheaded from the work out. This isn't really a challenge for me although it is only day one. I still don't feel like I'm controlling myself unless there is some kind of challenge. I think I might go 4 days. If you want to join let me know I love having fasting buddies it makes the ride a little smoother to know someone else is doing it too. You also get an accountability partner ha. Heather is doing the fast with me I think :).

      I haven't talked to J since may 10. Although I said I didn't want to talk to him again I'm a little upset he hasn't tried to talk to me STILL. I have a lot of self control with men as well so I know I won't talk to him first. But all the self control goes down the drain if he does talk to me. I know I would respond. Wahhhh. Oh well, I need to keep my focus on school and ana. And on spring break my focus will be drinking and partying. This may sound immature but if I don't get arrested or end up on the beach naked this spring break I will not feel I did my fellow spring breakers good. I might be a disappointment. I don't like to disappoint. ;) No posting for a week. Its going to be a sad week

OH SHIT THE FIRST GROWL OF THE FAST JUST HAPPENED. Yay. So. Freaking. Satisfied. Now I can go to sleep on an empty stomach and a happy head. Good night all you skinnies
xoxoxox

P.S. Don't judge me, I like weird music. Its beautiful in a sad way. <3

3-4 day fast.

     So it has been a very long time since I fully completed a 5 day fast. I'm taking it easy now. 3-4 day fast seems easy and do-able. Of course I say this now but who knows how I will feel at the time. This morning I was 164 lbs (74.39kgs) which isn't the best but I will take it. I haven't eaten totally bad today but still I will be more satisfied with that empty stomach, light headed feeling. I live for it.
   
     Today while I was eating a subway sandwich with my best friend K she looks at me and says " You know when you starve yourself your body goes into panic and stores food?" Annoyed I look at her and say "yes K I know, I know my risk do you see me eating this sandwich? Am I fucking not eating right now? Obviously I am. Do I throw it in your face that your addicted to sex?"-She got my point. I'm tired of these little "did you know" facts. I already know them. Ughh I long for that feeling of control that I will have tomorrow. The control I have over myself over my stomach, I can't wait the first stomach growl-it is always the best. Its a bitter sweet moment really. Man I sound crazy. haha
  
     Anyways I promise by tuesday I will have my story up and my goal weights and all that good stuff. This weekend just went by so fast. Spring break will be here in a week I hope to be at least 155lbs (70.31kgs) when I get there. I won't be able to work out the whole time there because K and I are getting a hotel with 3 other boys. Doing crunches every night in front of guys kind of makes me feel uneasy.

     Off to bed with me, I have a big day tomorrow :). Eager beaver .
xoxoxo

OH AND P.S: Nessa I miss you, your blog and your poop talks. I always appreciated the talks about poop. <3

Body Fat Percentage

     So I went to the trainer for my free training session with my friend K (the stripper) and what do you know. He wants to weigh me and take my body fat % in the middle of the gym. Great I thought to myself now this cute trainer and the rest of the gym can know how FAT I really am. I assumed my body fat % to be around 60 % and a "Healthy" percentage for woman is 24% well mine wasn't as bad as I thought it was 36.2%. Not good but not as bad as I assumed. K got 29% she doesn't even try and she eats, a lot. Bitch. Haha, Something that really pissed me off was when K asked the trainer what exactly does not eating and working out do. She knows DAMN well what it does. She and my family are the only ones who know about my e.d. K does things like this all the time to just leave a reminder for me here and there that this is not healthy. I've lived with this almost my whole life. I know its not healthy you don't think I see the effects it has on my body, my hair falls out, I get weak blah blah blah. I FUCKING ALREADY KNOW. I do not need any reminders. I don't make remarks here and there is it healthy to be addicted to sex. No I don't do it because I know she doesn't like to talk about it so I leave it alone. UGH vent finished. No more angry typing I promise ha.
    
     Anyways I haven't been fasting very much lately because I have been sick and although it is no excuse, I just don't have enough energy to try and control anything so I've been counting calories and burning more than I eat. Somehow when it comes to the gym I have enough energy. I'm becoming obsessed with the gym, and I love it. Somehow becoming more and more obsessed with the gym is making my one-sided feelings for J fade. He still hasn't talked to me but everyday I hope he does. Just so I can reject him. Its evil yes I know but somehow this will be the closure I need. No sex needed.

     This weekend I plan to edit my blog see if I can't get my old blogs over here. And I decided to become brave and tell my story. I hope no one judges me but I will get to this all weekend long. Oh and these past few days my weight has stayed at 165lbs (74kgs) Subract 8 lbs for my head..thank you very much! Lol just kidding. This weight sucks I want to be 155 by the time I leave. In 1 week and 3 days. In order to be that I will need to do some serious fasting. I just need to get better.

     Ooooh Its raining here. I love the rain, it makes me sleepy and cuddly. Okay I commented some blogs today but I need to read the rest tomorrow.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I love this light headed feeling.

I feel like I'm walking on air. I feel paper thin, but I'm not. I have to think real.
I did pretty good today I fasted all day long and my friend insisted I eat dinner with her. I didn't fight it. I didn't even mutter no. Not once, not at all. She promised it would be healthy she knows about my e.d. so she always says things are "healthy". To my surprise it was healthy, Kashi pizza. I just looked up the calorie count and it was 435 calories. I worked off 500 calories at the gym no wonder I feel so woozy.

I cannot wait to go to Miami for spring break, I might not have the "beach body" I want but I will get the break I have earned. School is hard but somehow I'm keeping up.
Going to shower and do homework now. I'm doing my research paper on abortion but secretly wish I was doing it on eating disorders. I'm not brave enough!