Consumed: 1 Starbucks coffee and a power-c machine made by naked juice found at target
Its a love hate relationship when my father ask me if I have eaten today. Not a normal question you would ask someone but he knows what I'm up to. His big heart likes to think I just forgot to eat though, he knows though deep down. Even when the doctors told him he denied it. Any problems I've ever had he's denied it. Once he called my suicide attempt stress and a lack of sleep. I love the "have you eaten today" question because it gives me the satisfaction of thinking no I HAVE NOT eaten today. Victory! I also hate it because I have to lie. And I am the worse liar, I move my eyes around in a panic, wondering if they know I'm lying. Sometimes I even bust out laughing.
Today I had a feeling of binging on day 3 of the fast. I went downstairs to carry through my thoughts of binging to real life but when I got to my kitchen I was disgusted. Everything I looked at made me less hungry. It was surreal. I ran to my room just in case the food suddenly made me want it. I never want this feeling to end. My father just called trying to bribe me to eat with my favorite dish. He definitely knows. This morning he woke up extra early and went to buy a cake. The cake didn't even inspire a binge. I feel invincible.
But the hunger pains are making for a good challenge. Sometimes the challenge is too much for me to take and triggers a binge.
I'm not sure if I will make it another day to do a 4 day fast. Maybe I will eat tomorrow then do a 2 or 3 day fast. Depends on when I'm leaving for Florida. Can't fast on a car ride. People usually know whats up when you deny 3 meals. I will be able to get away with 2 meals a day when I get there. Saying my pills made me forget or some stupid excuse like that.
Looks like my neighbor is ditching me we were supposed to go to the gym I can't miss 2 days in a row. I don't think I will be able to make it though I feel so weak and my eyes aren't working.
Stupid eating disorder and its horrible effects on my body.
Okay I just decided staying home will be best for tonight I feel a possible faint coming on. I also decided to eat tomorrow. Hopefully it goes a little something like this.
Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs without the yoke which I believe is 15 calories
Lunch: Tuna (calories unknown) mustard(0 calories :D) and a piece of dry toast 70 calories.
Dinner: I'm not to sure on that one. Any suggestions?
xoxoxo
P.S. I think I might continue my story on friday. Oh and I have an exam on friday so pray for me or wish me luck. Whatever you believe in just do it because I need to pass this class!! :D
Glad you didn't carry through with the binging! Maybe for dinner some vegetables? Roasted?
ReplyDeletexxx
Wow, awesome job avoiding that binge! I love it when food disgusts me and I don't want to eat it. Not exercising and choosing tto eat is always a good idea when you feel a fainting spell coming on. Feel better and best of luck on your test!
ReplyDeleteI love that 210 to 115 before and after photo so much! Congrats on derailing that binge! I love that feeling of disgust with food, one of the best and most valuable feeling ever Lol
ReplyDeleteBe careful not to push yourself so hard that you'll faint girl! Good luck on your test! ((:
oh my dear, i hope you'll achieve your weight goal asap... and i think i need to start losing weight too. haha.
ReplyDeletei agree with your dad having a big heart... i hope you know how lucky you are to have him... i wish i have someone like him too. i love you!