Ribs, Spine and steak.

     It seems that every time I try to blog a group of loud people are at the pool just partying it up. Super obnoxious, super immature, super distracting. I want to buy a house and my own pool. Distraction free. So I can write beautiful blogs and beautiful stories of love and poems. Beautiful flowing poems.

     I decided I am happy. My focus is not on myself. It should be but its not and it feels good to be happy. Feels better to be empty. Trying to fill your emptiness is pointless. Its like standing in front of a tornado that is about to rip through you and your childhood home. You beg for it to stop and try to explain the importance but before you can finish you’ve been swooped into the tornado. No finished last words. I don’t want to be swooped into the tornado that symbolizes an eternity of being out of control with myself. Meaning eternity of being fat. So instead of trying to justify how important food is to me and why I should eat is just pointless. Its pointless banter before a much bigger obstacle. The obstacle doesn’t sympathize with you it doesn’t give you one last chance. It has no feelings no remorse. Nothing. It just tares right through you and your home. No last words. Just interrupted banter.. I’m stopping this banter. I also associate being empty and filled with filled of friends. I love everyone I work with. I’m attached to them. I associate being empty with being lonely. Feeling nothing filled with nothing. Its easier. Then to be attached and loose them. But why take the easy road. God said take the narrow road. More obstacles. More hurt. More food? No thank you I’ve already been filled today.

     Fasting news: Sunday I got too high for my own good. Ate most of my food.
Monday night I got high and ate trail mix. Tuesday when I woke up I ate tacos. I started my period but sometimes its easier for me to fast on my period. Thursday, Today I started a fast. For how long? Who knows maybe I will fast until I can afford to buy food again. I maintained the same weight for so long and then I ate steak and some how gained  3 lbs(1.36kgs). Today its fasting time. Time to get serious. I need to drink water. Eat ice. Perfect meal.

     Monday night everyone from work decided to camp out on the beach. I decided to go and bring my dog. I got there around 1:30 in the morning. Started drinking then decided to smoke with  one of the guys who I am close with at work. We’ve smoked together  before I’ve never been interested in him. He is the typical nice guy. He is about 5’7 or 5’8 skinny, short blonde hair, beautiful baby blue eyes. He always wears blue shirts which bring out his gorgeous eyes even more. He is a science major and kind of a dork. We will call him Treat for now. I’m not sure yet if I am going to put him in my characters. Anyways we were smoking and he would look at me with those I want to kiss you eyes but I pretended not to see.
And then he said it. “I want to kiss you.”
 Me: “What did you say”
Treat: “What I didn’t say anything..”*laughs*
Then I kept talking again about shit that doesn’t matter.
Treat: “Man I really want to kiss you right now.”
*Leans in for kiss*
* I back away*
Lying I say “I can’t tell if you really want to kiss me or not.”
I knew very well he did. He wanted my kisses.
He leaned in again. I kissed him. I’m not sure if it was a pity kiss but I kissed him. I was high and drunk and I kissed him. I couldn’t help but laugh. I laughed at the fact I was kissing a boy that I kind of figured was a in the closet gay. He is one of those guys with a lot of friends that are girls. He reminds me of a little school boy, he has crushes and kisses girls he’s sweet and innocent.
He stops kissing me and asks me why I’m laughing. I tell him its because I am high. We start making out again and I interrupt  the kissing session with my laughter once again.
Treat: “Your really making my self esteem go down.”
Me: “ Aww no I’m laughing because I am high. You’re a great kisser I swear. But I’m just confused at why you want to kiss me.”
Treat thinks for a minute. Probably contemplating the right answer.
Treat: “I don’t know. Because your pretty and I just love your smile. Its so contagious.”
Me: “oh”
Treat: “My intentions are only kissing. I wouldn’t mind other stuff though but my only intent is to kiss you.”
So I continued kissing the school boy and that was all we did. At work we haven’t made it awkward he doesn’t flirt with me as much, but as long as we stay friends is what matters.



     I have another story of some other boys but this post was already long so I will try and post it this weekend or next week. Continuing my fast!! Also commenting some blogs :D

Love you all.
Ribs and Spine thinspo: