Hello my loves sorry for the no comments or post. I've been super busy with work. I like it and I'm making lots of money..YAY!! :) I will have a full post tomorrow. I just weighed myself and its midnight and I weigh 159 lbs(72.12kgs). I haven't fasted in forever, I guess all the running around and dancing I do at work has really had its affects on my body positive and negative. My feet are killing me. Every night I literally limp to my door, limp upstairs, limp out of my clothes and into bed. Its RI-DIC-U-LOUS!!!!!! Anyways I have to go eat now. Fast plans are coming soon. Tomorrow I will think of how long of a fast I will do.
<3 FATASS
About Me
- Silhouette
- My name isn't important, I am here to vent, once a full time ana but now back to square one. I started to recover after my victory of 99. Recovering on my own which is never recommended, I wanted to rid myself of this disease and I did(or at least I thought i did). I loved food, I ate and ate. I loved the way my pallet would be able to taste ingredients so well. I became one of those people who was always D.T.E (down to eat). Until I started to notice more and more weight being put on. I stepped on the scale at my friends house, ( my mother hid the scale from me) and there it was a number I never heard of a whopping 183. I immediately hated myself. Now I'm back to my old ways, habits. I used to have a blog under the name Fading Figure.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
I was afraid to be alone..but now I'm scared thats how I like to be.
Yesterday I trained with Mr.Mchottypants himself (the boy I went to school with) he trained me for work basically I followed him around for an hour. I even got to take a tables order. I didn't do to bad at it either. He kept asking me if I was okay when I would carry a tray full of drinks to a table.. I'm not sure if he cared or if he didn't want me to mess up his tables drinks and possibly loose tip money. Whatever it was he is so hot. He played football in high school and is still so built from it. I am so small(height wise) compared to him. Which doesn't take much because I am only 5 ft. 1 inch. He stands so tall and strong next to me.
At the pool yesterday I drank entirely too much and drunk-dialed a lot of people. Military man a was included in that list along with my booty calls. He was talking to me a lot yesterday but I didn't get to post about it. Today not so much.. I don't even remember what I said. This could be bad. After drunk dialing him I broke into my moms new boyfriends car (who is also a police officer) and sat in the back until they came back from having dinner. It was unlocked but basically I broke in.. hehe. What can I say..his car had that new car smell. Betty(aka drunken alter ego) just had to break the rules. Anyways I decided that night that I didn't like my moms new boyfriend he seemed uncomfortable with how me and my sister LS were acting. When all of my sisters and I get together its like the show The Kardashians.
We are wild and loud and perverted. We grab each others boobs and slap each others vaginas we are weird sisters. But when I can tell someone is judging my family I hate them. Thus I hate my mothers new boyfriend. So I got into my car angry and drove away. I....well Betty decided she wanted to swing. So I went to the park and swang for a while then decided to hide my keys from myself so I could text people asking them to come pick me up. I was so lonely and even contemplated floating away off the dock. After falling off of the jungle gym I was too bruised and sore to enjoy the park so I went on a scavenger hunt for my car keys. After finding them I got really depressed and drove to the boat drop off and called my good friend K. Told her about my thoughts of suicide and she called the police. Good thing after I got off the phone with her I drove home. I now have a voice mail for the cops on my phone telling me to call them. I hate feeling so lonely and so depressed. I hate to say it but I don't know how much longer I can last. I just want this period to come and go. This is too much for me to handle.
I was fasting today but had to eat bread because my stomach was killing me from my hang over. I thought I should just curl up and die then, after eating a piece of toast I felt much better. I keep going outside to sit in the sun because I remember my therapist once told me dark lighting may depress me and that I should sit in the sun when I get depressed. It didn't work. I waited and waited it was beautiful outside but all I could think about is how I don't fit into this beautiful world.
I won't lie I want Chinese food and if I had money to get some I would but saving for the apartment is more important to me right now. I am so bloated it looks like I'm pregnant.
Sorry for the scattered post. I'm just feeling a little down.
At the pool yesterday I drank entirely too much and drunk-dialed a lot of people. Military man a was included in that list along with my booty calls. He was talking to me a lot yesterday but I didn't get to post about it. Today not so much.. I don't even remember what I said. This could be bad. After drunk dialing him I broke into my moms new boyfriends car (who is also a police officer) and sat in the back until they came back from having dinner. It was unlocked but basically I broke in.. hehe. What can I say..his car had that new car smell. Betty(aka drunken alter ego) just had to break the rules. Anyways I decided that night that I didn't like my moms new boyfriend he seemed uncomfortable with how me and my sister LS were acting. When all of my sisters and I get together its like the show The Kardashians.
We are wild and loud and perverted. We grab each others boobs and slap each others vaginas we are weird sisters. But when I can tell someone is judging my family I hate them. Thus I hate my mothers new boyfriend. So I got into my car angry and drove away. I....well Betty decided she wanted to swing. So I went to the park and swang for a while then decided to hide my keys from myself so I could text people asking them to come pick me up. I was so lonely and even contemplated floating away off the dock. After falling off of the jungle gym I was too bruised and sore to enjoy the park so I went on a scavenger hunt for my car keys. After finding them I got really depressed and drove to the boat drop off and called my good friend K. Told her about my thoughts of suicide and she called the police. Good thing after I got off the phone with her I drove home. I now have a voice mail for the cops on my phone telling me to call them. I hate feeling so lonely and so depressed. I hate to say it but I don't know how much longer I can last. I just want this period to come and go. This is too much for me to handle.
I was fasting today but had to eat bread because my stomach was killing me from my hang over. I thought I should just curl up and die then, after eating a piece of toast I felt much better. I keep going outside to sit in the sun because I remember my therapist once told me dark lighting may depress me and that I should sit in the sun when I get depressed. It didn't work. I waited and waited it was beautiful outside but all I could think about is how I don't fit into this beautiful world.
I won't lie I want Chinese food and if I had money to get some I would but saving for the apartment is more important to me right now. I am so bloated it looks like I'm pregnant.
Sorry for the scattered post. I'm just feeling a little down.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
All my eyes can see is what they know.
Today I am fasting. I've got good self control on my mind and I am ready... no more sadness..over DT. I am moving on. Today is a good day. I feel like things are moving forward. I have forgiven him. Besides there are so many cute guys at work. But a promise I made to myself is to not shit where I eat. Meanings only platonic relationships for the people I work with. No sexual relationships. The girls there are skinny. So it pushes me that much more. I've been drinking water all day. I get free soda at work but I refuse to drink it! Only water for me all the fatties can have the sodas. Today at work this hot co worker (who I went to high school with) asked me what happened to my wrist because I had it wrapped in a cloth cast ( to hide my cuts). To my surprise I quickly made up a lie and said I fell out of a tree. He laughed and told me I should lie and say I got into a fight or something more creative. So cute..........Silhouette DON'T shit where you eat!!!- I will just keep telling myself this.
I don't think Military Man A is going to be in my life much longer. I need to get him to buy me a ticket first then. Before he quietly steps out of my life. I really kind of liked him too. We have similar music taste and music means a lot to me and he nailed it. He has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair. Blonde hair isn't really my type but I let this go because he has these lushes lips that I want to kiss. I want so badly to have a boy to call my own but there are so many other things I need to focus on. My job is number one right now and school especially because finals are coming up. I have so many test I have to pass before I even get to be a waitress at work studying right now for the test tomorrow. Wish me luck on the test tomorrow. I will need it.
Night Ladies.
<3
I don't think Military Man A is going to be in my life much longer. I need to get him to buy me a ticket first then. Before he quietly steps out of my life. I really kind of liked him too. We have similar music taste and music means a lot to me and he nailed it. He has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair. Blonde hair isn't really my type but I let this go because he has these lushes lips that I want to kiss. I want so badly to have a boy to call my own but there are so many other things I need to focus on. My job is number one right now and school especially because finals are coming up. I have so many test I have to pass before I even get to be a waitress at work studying right now for the test tomorrow. Wish me luck on the test tomorrow. I will need it.
Night Ladies.
<3
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Some days are better then others.
I am drinking.......This morning I was driving and started crying. I just broke down crying. I missed DT and I still do. When I woke up I weighed 159lbs(72.12kgs) and all day the scale has stayed the same it actually went up to 160lbs (72.57kgs) for a little bit. I don't know if I am about to start my period or what but this and the fact that DT and I still aren't talking drove me to drinking. My wrist itch from the cuts ugh. I must be about to start my period I am being such a drama queen. I miss the boy. And this military man a is nice but its like I love and miss DT. How am I supposed to have any type of feelings for you when I am thinking about another man. Am I ever going to fucking get over it? I want to call him. I want to drive to see him drop everything and drive out to see him. I want him to hold me like before. I always felt safe when he held me. Almost like I trusted him. But I didn't because that stupid bastard is a cheater. You can never trust a cheater. I just want to call him now. I want him to call me. I know he won't though I told him I would change my number. So as long as he thinks I changed it he won't call me. Military man a did a good job today at distracting me. We have stopped texting and now all I can think about is DT. oksy I am really drunk now and teting military man a night night. Too bad he is a plane ride away. I would want sex right now!!!!
thinspo tomorow love yalllllllllllll
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I want you to take over control
So this weekend didn't turn out how I intended. I didn't eat eggs. I ended up eating sushi and other things. Its almost impossible for me to turn down sushi. Especially when its free sushi provided by my friend K (who is a stripper and just looking to throw away money). From the weekends food I gained 3lbs (1.36kgs). Yesterday I fasted the entire day but came night I caved in, to this stupid but oh so delicious rice. Some how I still lost weight though. Today I fasted all day and this morning I weighed 161lbs(73.03kgs) BUT I just weighed myself now and I weigh 159 lbs(72.12kgs) YAY out of the sick sixties. Moving on to the fat fifties.
Today I signed my lease. I have a plan c if I don't make enough money. I have a feeling I might loose followers from saying this but my plan c is dancing. Lets be honest about this respectful term called dancer. The dancer I am talking about is the let me stick my but in your face and shake it for a $50 dancer not the let me honorably twirl on stage dancer. I know its wrong but the other night after a failed suicide attempt. I knew I had to get out of here. Away from my father. I love him so very much but he is suffocating me. If I have to I will sell my body not have sex or anything sexual but dance for money. I have been dancing since I was little so I am very flexible. This is only a plan c. Plan A is that I make the money. Plan B is that I use a credit card. Plan C is the regretful dancing. Nothing has to be more painful then sore cut wrist. I will sell my soul for rent just to get away from my beloved father. I need this freedom, I need this life away from my father that all my siblings have but me. No one understands my pain. He is a stressed man who is very bitter. Everyday he curses my mother for leaving him. She was smart to get out, and now I will be too. That sounds terrible but I have to.
This weekend my sister YS who's husband is in the military let me speak to one of her husbands military friends who thought I was hot on the phone. Needless to say we've been talking and I convinced him to buy me a plane ticket to go see my sister. He hasn't bought it yet but he promised and I believe him because he is genuine. He told me he wants to take me dancing one night. He is so sweet. I am not sure what to call him or if he is going to be important in my life or not so we will just call him (for now) Military Man A. I am supposed to fly there after my semester at school ends on may 13th. So some time after that I should be going to see my sister and my military man a. I want to be at least 150lbs (68.04kgs) by then.
We will see. I don't have any plans as to how I will do this. Just some simple fasting. Then of course restricting. So I will fast tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. Oh and also J and I have still been talking about stupid shit. But I kinda like that were actually talking and not using each other for sex. Which is how our relationship usually goes. I feel like I am starting to get to know him and of course the down side of this is I am starting to like him. Once again. Stupid girl, will you ever learn? I just love his personality, he is not nice at all but that is what I love. I love ass holes. There must be something in the water because my friend K can only pick assholes too. I weighed myself just now because of how anal I am and I weigh 160lbs(72.57kgs) Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Going to bed -_-
Today I signed my lease. I have a plan c if I don't make enough money. I have a feeling I might loose followers from saying this but my plan c is dancing. Lets be honest about this respectful term called dancer. The dancer I am talking about is the let me stick my but in your face and shake it for a $50 dancer not the let me honorably twirl on stage dancer. I know its wrong but the other night after a failed suicide attempt. I knew I had to get out of here. Away from my father. I love him so very much but he is suffocating me. If I have to I will sell my body not have sex or anything sexual but dance for money. I have been dancing since I was little so I am very flexible. This is only a plan c. Plan A is that I make the money. Plan B is that I use a credit card. Plan C is the regretful dancing. Nothing has to be more painful then sore cut wrist. I will sell my soul for rent just to get away from my beloved father. I need this freedom, I need this life away from my father that all my siblings have but me. No one understands my pain. He is a stressed man who is very bitter. Everyday he curses my mother for leaving him. She was smart to get out, and now I will be too. That sounds terrible but I have to.
This weekend my sister YS who's husband is in the military let me speak to one of her husbands military friends who thought I was hot on the phone. Needless to say we've been talking and I convinced him to buy me a plane ticket to go see my sister. He hasn't bought it yet but he promised and I believe him because he is genuine. He told me he wants to take me dancing one night. He is so sweet. I am not sure what to call him or if he is going to be important in my life or not so we will just call him (for now) Military Man A. I am supposed to fly there after my semester at school ends on may 13th. So some time after that I should be going to see my sister and my military man a. I want to be at least 150lbs (68.04kgs) by then.
We will see. I don't have any plans as to how I will do this. Just some simple fasting. Then of course restricting. So I will fast tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. Oh and also J and I have still been talking about stupid shit. But I kinda like that were actually talking and not using each other for sex. Which is how our relationship usually goes. I feel like I am starting to get to know him and of course the down side of this is I am starting to like him. Once again. Stupid girl, will you ever learn? I just love his personality, he is not nice at all but that is what I love. I love ass holes. There must be something in the water because my friend K can only pick assholes too. I weighed myself just now because of how anal I am and I weigh 160lbs(72.57kgs) Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Going to bed -_-
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Its a BEAUTIFUL day :)
Good Morning gorgeous people. It is a beautiful day outside today...and I haven't even been outside yet.:)
If you can't already tell I am in a super spectacular mood.....BECAUSE I hit my second goal weight. I am kind of disappointed though. I realized it took me basically 5 months to loose ONLY 10 lbs(4.54kgs)..I am assuming it was due to all the binges without purging and time I took away from ana to...be healthy.. haha. Which is not acceptable. Anyways with this promise I made to myself to have a binge free spring, I am hoping the weight will come off. No more healthy eating from now on. Its all about fasting and restriction. This is how my life will be until I hit my goal. This was short and sweet now I will go eat my egg. Restriction day! Oh and also I am allowing myself a smoothie because there is a possibility that I will be a drunk mess tonight and turn into my drunk alter ego...Betty. I feel like Betty is my evil twin or something.
Toodalo.
If you can't already tell I am in a super spectacular mood.....BECAUSE I hit my second goal weight. I am kind of disappointed though. I realized it took me basically 5 months to loose ONLY 10 lbs(4.54kgs)..I am assuming it was due to all the binges without purging and time I took away from ana to...be healthy.. haha. Which is not acceptable. Anyways with this promise I made to myself to have a binge free spring, I am hoping the weight will come off. No more healthy eating from now on. Its all about fasting and restriction. This is how my life will be until I hit my goal. This was short and sweet now I will go eat my egg. Restriction day! Oh and also I am allowing myself a smoothie because there is a possibility that I will be a drunk mess tonight and turn into my drunk alter ego...Betty. I feel like Betty is my evil twin or something.
Toodalo.
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