About love. I miss you.

-If I had a guy sing me this song I would be set for life.
-If a guy told me to stop taking all the medication I take because I was perfect I wouldn't be able to stop smiling



It's the way that you blush when you're nervous
It's your ability to make me earn this.
I know that you're tired,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

It's about how you laugh out of pity
'Cause let's be honest, I'm not really that funny
I know that you're shy,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklaces close.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,
Medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.
I know that you're spent,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

It's your finger, and how I'm wrapped around it
It's your grace, and how it keeps me grounded
I know that you're weak,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklaces close.

While you were sleeping,
I figured out everything:
I was constructed for you,
And you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name.
Coursin' through my veins.
You shine so bright, it's insane.
You put the sun to shame.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklaces close.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklaces close. 

- I hate when I blush but I love it when you would notice and kiss my nose and call me pink cheeks.
- I wish you would have not cheated on me...you asshole..
- I wish you would have stayed with me one last time.
- I wish you would have quit smoking weed
- I wish I wasn't thinking of you right now


Stupid love song. I miss DT so much. I feel so depressed right now..:(

I'm tired of people telling me I can't

     I'm so naive all the time. I'm not sure when people tell me I can't if I am physically not able to do it. I'm not sure when my future roommate (we will call her LJ) LJ tells me I will most def make enough money working at joe's to pay for rent if she is just saying that because she is desperate to move out or if its sincere. I feel torn between everything..I haven't even thought of food today. I've been too distracted with thoughts of moving.
I talked to my mom and I actually feel pretty secure about moving out again. She told me to ignore everyone who is being negative about it. So I am. Which is my sisters and my best friend K. But she is always negative about everything.

Pros of Moving out
- No one to be suspicious if you've eaten
- I can come and go as I please
- My friends can come and go as they please
- I can have guys come over- my father doesn't allow guys to come over.
- I can have guys stay the night ;)
- I won't feel like I am in anybodies way.
- I can finally learn to manage my money
- Mature (I am 20 years old..almost..and I still count on daddy)
- INDEPENDENCE

Cons of Moving out
- I will be on a tight budget
- I will miss living with my daddy
- I will have to work my ass off constantly to make rent (what everyone is telling me)
- My father pays for food, all the bills, the house and my beloved dog's food.



I mean I calculated it and it is going to be $1300.00 a month. Having $200.00 extra to spend on whatever. Is it really that hard to be a waitress/student? I'm only taking 3 classes which aren't even hard. I don't know, I feel like I have been so sheltered all my life that its made me so naive. Urrrhghh so many things to think about. Well my sister L totally put a damper on my dreams. She said I wasn't prepared and was really rude to me. I'm tired of arguing with people. I want to live my own life but I also want to be prepared and be financially stable.

     So today's fasting has been a pure success. HOORAY!! I finally got my shit together. This morning I weighed 164 lbs(74.39kgs). I plan on fasting tomorrow and the next day. That should be enough days to loose weight to reach my next goal of 160lbs(72.57kgs). When I reach my next goal I will eat 3 boiled egg whites 2 days in a row. Then continue fasting for like 2 days or so. This plan WILL work. I don't even care about food anymore. I need to pay the gym so I can get back in there and do my thang. And be tight not flabby like I am now. I feel proud of myself but I know its not enough. I have to keep going. I won't stop until I get to my goal. Then its onto the next goal. I've also decided to make promises to myself after reaching a goal weight. My first promise was when I made my goal of 170lbs(77.11kgs) I promised I would never let myself reach 180 lbs(81.65kgs) again. Now when I hit 160(72.57kgs) I must promise myself to never weigh 165lbs(74.84kgs) again. I used to have this mentality the first time around ana sunk her sharp teeth in me. Thank you ana. Seemed to work last time so I will do it again. :)

     I haven't mentioned this guy in my new blog yet but here is a short summary of J:
We sometimes sleep together mostly when he contacts me first. I will never talk to a guy (who is not my friend) first. I guess its old fashioned but its just the way I am...unless I am drunk because that's a whole knew me..one who I like to call Betty. And Betty doesn't go by rules or fashion old or new. ANYWAYS... We sleep together, he is an amazing singer/guitar player. Right now he is trying his hand at rap. It kind of sounds like kid cudi or something. I like it. I had a big crush on him but now I totally understand that we are using each other. He is also one of my older sisters YS's friend and her husbands friend. One night in February I texted and called him a bunch of times-20 times.... I was super drunk don't judge me. Well after that night he didn't talk to me again until today. All we really talked about was funny youtube videos.. Nothing really important at all like: "when are you going to fuck me" (said with good manners) Please and Thank you. Something that bothers me though about having sex with him is he always thinks hes hurting me. And I always think I am not some fucking dandelion just fuck me. I think maybe because the first time we had sex I screamed and told him he was because he did hurt me and now its all waahh wah wah am I hurting you? -Sorry for being so vulgar. I ended up logging off of facebook because the conversation was obviously going no where..well at least no where I wanted it to go ;)...We'll see if he can come up with anything better to talk to me about tonight. Please let it be a conversation on sex. I wish I was like Samantha from sex and the city

Just watch the video and you will understand. Maybe not as vulgar. But to be able to tell a man "I WANT YOU NOW IN MY BED"....hahah...

If you haven't already join the binge free spring with Zane. I have joined too. If you have already binged this spring just start now and for the rest of spring keep it binge free. It will be unregretful and a challenge. I know all of you can do it though :).

xoxoxo

-For some reason its not letting me open files to where all my thinspo is. Sorry y'all. No thinspo tonight :/
- Oh and I am thankful for you guys telling me I can move out! Y'all cheer me up :D

3 weeks until I move.

Things I am worried about:
- Will I make enough money to make rent.
- Will I get homesick and want to go home back to daddy even though its 15 minutes away
- I hope my dog gets along with my new roomies cat
- Will I make enough money
- money
- money
- moneyyy!!!!!!

      I've never lived on my own. Why am I doing this? I feel a sort of sadness for my father. Its like I already miss him and I haven't yet moved out. I'm about to be 20. I've come to the conclusion its time to grow up. And moving away from daddy the man who spoils me to pieces would be best. I am his youngest daughter and admittedly his favorite. I hate this negative feeling in the pit of my stomach its like hes already missing from my life. FOR GOODNESS SAKE SILHOUETTE  ITS 6 MILES AWAY FROM HIM! Your right I need to get over it- I am a big girl now. (sometimes I talk to myself...) I've packed up one box and already I feel regret. -_-

      Okay so the guy I dated for 4 years and screwed me up giving me commitment issues, well we still talk (used to at least). At the beginning of the year he told me he was in love with me and sent me this long email about how I am the one and blah blah blah. Well I told him he needed to choose between smoking weed and me.
-I have nothing against weed I smoke it on occasion
-When he smokes weed he completely changes and becomes really depressed
I am already dysfunctional and I wouldn't be able to deal with the depression it would make me even more depressed.  He told me he wasn't going to quit smoking weed. Which translates to me that he choose weed over me...Am I wrong?
So we agreed on remaining friends which has worked out until last night when we got into a fight. He wasn't texting me back so I sent him an ugly text message about how I was never going to talk to him again and that he shouldn't ignore me and I don't know why I ever tried with him. Well he apologized for ignoring me and then told me that he doesn't think I feel the same way about him that he does for me and that it would be smart to part ways because he can't get over me with me still in his life. So we have parted ways. I already miss him. There's no one like your first love. Please tell me something different. Please reassure me that I will forget him soon.

I ate this morning 2 yogurts that are supposed to make you poop. Well I pooped before I ate them but not after. I will just stick to good ol' laxatives. Tomorrow I will be doing an all day fast no yogurts that say they help you poop. I'm just so depressed right now. Drinking water -_-. Oh this morning I weighed  166 lbs (75.3kgs). I want to loose 6lbs to get to my next goal. I can do it. I need focus, no thoughts on the boy who fucks with my head. We will call him D.T. This could possibly be the last time I talk about D.T. though so whats the point in making a nickname for him? False hope is all. I decided against deleting him from my facebook. I want him to log on and miss me and see how awesome my life is. Even though it isn't I must portray living an awesome life. I need to stop being sad. This is ridiculous he chose weed. Its funny how the boy who gave me commitment issues wants me to commit. Funny how things work out isn't it. Maybe its karma. Who knows....

List of Books:
- WinterGirls by: Laurie Halse Anderson (I read on someones blog, I forgot who,  that they read this book and that it was awesome so I want to read it)
-Just Listen by: Sarah Dressen (I've read it before and I loved it back when I read it first)
-Go ask Alice by: Anonymous (loved this book it was twisted and awesome)
-Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by: Marya Hornbacher
-Thin By: Grace Bowman
-Feeling For Bones by: Bethany Pierce
-The best little girl in the world by: Steven Levenkron
-Purge: rehab diaries by: Nicole Johns
-Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by:Portia De Rossi


P.S. I think my roommate fast sometimes. She told me she hadn't eaten yesterday at all...So yay!!

ALSO I decided to start smoking again..I have so much worrying and anxiety that I need some cigs to calm me down. So yes I will go back to my good ol' smokes.

Positive with a slight chance of negative post

Slight chance of negative:
Todays fast went to shit.
I don't want to talk about it.

NOW FOR THE POSITIVITY PEOPLE:
- Today I went in for an interview at a restaurant called Joe's Crab Shack and got hired.
- I heard a lot of hot guys my age (19) work there
- I get to dance at my job and I'm a waitress
- I passed my math exam with a 74..wooot woot
- I have less then a month until I move out :)
- I am so excited and happy.

So things have started looking up for me.
Don't really feel like a real post today on account of I suck at fasting for some reason. Tomorrow I will take my adderall bright and early and then stay in bed until school and work after. This will help keep my focus on whats important..fasting... :)
came across this book:

lol...............
I want to buy new books eeeekkk..I will make a list tomorrow of the books I want and maybe some of you can check them out and tell me if you've read it or read them along with me.
Oh and also I will have double the thinspo tomorrow and a better post :)

love you all, night!

Award :)

Awarded to me by Ashley and A girl with tiny intentions  :). Thank you girls. Although I believe I am undeserving of any kind of award right now I will accept. Haha

1. I am very clumsy. It's odd though because I was in ballet for a while and I was graceful while I danced but clumsy all other ways.

2. I have commitment issues. I dated a boy for 4 years and I haven't had a real relationship in 3 years since we broke up. But I feel like I could be ready for a relationship...possibly..not.

3. I love to sing. I sing all the time and I took lessons for 5 years. People tell me I'm good but I often wonder if I am that girl that everyone tells she can sing and she believes it and really shes a tone deaf glass breaking singer. I hope that's not me.

4. I used to be a hardcore, holy rolling, tongue speaking, religious freak, christian girl. I was so dedicated but 3 years into being so dedicated I realized I was in a cult. Haha...

5. I used to write for a christan magazine.

6. I have never had sex with someone I was in a real relationship with (a.k.a boyfriend/girlfriend shit).. I regret it too.

7. I take adderall for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. When I don't take my pills I am wild and I don't think before I speak. Not taking my adderall also makes me eat the house.


Okay the ten I give this too :)

1.Haze - this girl has such an artistic blog and leaves such uplifting comments.
2.Lou- her post are always so detailed and it makes me feel like I'm there with her haha :)
3.Dylphe- she is always understanding and tells you like it is. Which I like.
4.Nessa- I enjoy her talks about poop and good sense of humor
5.White Skinny Angel - I love her provocative thinspo and her french slang
6. Mrs. Donae- She has such a funny and inspiring blog
7.OnMyWay- I love how honest and detailed her blog is.
8.Zane -Always has good advice and inspirational post
9.Aria- she inspires me to work out more and always has nice comments
10.Colours True - Love her detailed post and awesome thinspo

Fatassery report

     Sorry I've been absent for a couple of day. I'm back 5lbs (2.27kgs) heavier. But still back. Take me as I am, a fat ass. Let this song explain my feelings as of right now.

I let my period control me. I am all about control, and I let something else control me.... Something else that's not even living. I would definitely call that a new low. I was too ashamed to post or comment. I know that you all don't/won't judge me. But I didn't feel worthy to talk to any of you or receive any of the beautiful and inspiring comments you guys leave. So today I fasted minus this morning I had a bagel. That's what its like in this fatassery (said like bakery but instead with ass in front of it "ass"ery) I call my body. I eat bagels for breakfast in this fatassery. I miss life in the control panel. When I steered and controlled all. I will get there. Tomorrow is always a new day (positive girl in me cries out). Tomorrow will be a day in the control panel. No food just liquids..No bagels, leaving the fatassery in the dust times a'changin. Okay less hyper more focus. 

     I might of decided to change my major. I think I want to be a registered nurse? I think I could do it. They make a lot of money and right now money sounds fantastic because my father is being such a douche. Several months ago he said he was going to get my brakes fixed and he still hasn't done it and now hes telling me hes not going to. I can't afford it at all. I barely know how I am going to get to school tomorrow because I'm out of gas. Its frustrating. Possibly looking for future sugar daddy......not.

      Tonight I had my heart set on doing some drunken karaoke at this bar but its not going to happen. Homework is calling my name. Stupid school. -_-
Now I need to catch myself up on all of your post and comments.

Quicky ;)

Okay so this morning I weighed 162 and I fasted all day long until tonight when mother nature took over my tummy and I was so hungry I thought I would die. Usually challenges like that inspire a binge but I am pretending that binges don't exist. I ate fried chicken. My dad brought it. I'm trying to ignore how much calories I just took in... haha I don't even care right now because tomorrow I have a math exam. So like last time I'm asking for everyone's prayers/wishing me luck. WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IN DO IT!!! I am studying for my math and so far...not so good but I will make a passing grade tomorrow a C or higher please God please. Okay I am a fatass goodnight back to studying. WAAAAAAAAHHH :(.
P.S No thinspo tonight. I will double up on it tomorrow though. :)
Love you all and thank you for the comments. I appreciate y'all so much. Especially when you pray for my good grades haha.
<3

Moving out, but not away. No no I can't stay.

I know I am your baby

but your grasp around me is breath taking 

I just wish to be free to grow

Please stop holding me down 

I feel so withered now.

To weak to move

To weak to loose,

all the courage I just gained

from brave words she whispered into my brain.

I backed down and fell into my usual frown.

I want to give up and let you rule all.

But I need a place I can go

where peace is found and anger has no sound.

This isn't working out. 

The screaming is eating away at me.

 I stand back up brave again.

Not to fall from fear have faith.

I'll find the peace I long for in a better place.

You can't control me anymore. 

I always had my own brain

Trail of thought

and words to claim.

Just let me fly 

in the air so high.

I just want to see it for myself and know reasons why.

I want to experience life.

Please daddy, just let me fly. 

 -Silhouette

     So I have been planing to move out for quite some time I just never had the guts to do it. Now that I am getting serious about finally moving out my dad is freaking out. He is also pissed my roommate is a lesbian. I love my new roommate our personalities are a lot alike. Like we both don't like confrontation and we are both kind of push overs ( as much as I hate to admit I am). He said he wouldn't pay for my car payment if I lived with a lesbian and that she would try to touch me and I would turn gay. Please don't think my father is stupid he is a foreigner and in his country when people announced/were found out to being gay they were killed. And crowds cheered for the death of gay people. My mother who I would like to call a saint. Taught me not to judge anyone no matter what they did. I stood up for my roommate not because shes my friend because blood is thicker than water, but because she is a person and just because of a choice she makes doesn't mean she should be hated for it. Its like in the old days when the women first started wearing pants. People were upset and wanted to kill them and hated them for it but look at what it has turned into. Fashion. First it was a statement now its fashion. Sometimes change is good. Being gay is not personally for me but someone else isn't going to effect me. Anyways I am not proud of this but I did what I could for him to accept me moving out. I know its hard for your youngest daughter to move out but I am about to be 20 and have yet to live outside of the house I grew up in. So I made a false accusation  that I was going to commit suicide and he gave in. 

I have never done that before, nor will I ever do that again. I am on my period and feeling a little theatrical.

  So I lost all the weight I gained in Florida but I gained 2 lbs back in 2 days. From all the shit I ate and alcohol I drank yesterday. In my defense I ate at 3 in the morning so the fast was officially over. Anyways tomorrow I will fast the whole day and then tomorrow eat some eggs. Agh I need to have a plan. I usually have a plan. I feel all out of whack from this fight I just had with my dad. I love him but hes just so stubborn. And for the longest time I lived my life off of solely what pleased him. I wanted him to be proud of me. My mom was always proud of me because she is a fucking saint but my dad is a little harder to please. He doesn't show love like my mother. He shows love by buying me things and gifts. Not such a bad thing as a child and you really really need that barbie doll. Point being as an adult I feel I need advice I need hugs. Idk There's a lot I will miss but I feel like my father and I have grown far apart and maybe being literally apart will help us get along again. I just need my daddy but not his hovering arms with hands to hold me down. 

Okay so back on track fasting tomorrow. 

I need sleep I've cried too much tonight to miss any sleep. Sorry for the shit blog entry. 

 

I just want his approval in life. I feel like I can't do anything unless he says its okay. I have been "Daddy's little girl" all my life. I am his favorite out of 3 daughters even my mother told me. Maybe because I have the most problems and he feels the need to fix me. He believes that when I don't speak things are going good, and I am all fixed. But really I am probably imagining numbers. My life is ruled by numbers. I wish my daddy knew. I wish he could fix me. I am probably hopeless. I've been in hospitals nothing ever works. I always come back to what I know best. I might be breaking my fathers heart for my freedom. Is freedom really worth it. I care so much about him. Part of me believes he knows this and knows if he says certain things I will stay. My parents are divorced. I don't want him to be alone but am I willing to sacrifice seeing the world. Exploring?

 

I need sleep and to get off my period. I am being such a whiny baby I know. 

 

If you read this you rock!<3

 

Grades, Fasting and Mono

     My idea of supporting the American troops while on spring break wasn't the best idea. I've seemed to contracted mono. Not sure yet. Going tomorrow to get a diagnosis. Trying to decide who gave it to me is hard. Was it the sexy marine, built army guy (who picked up a 168lbs (76.2kgs) me like a baby/damsel in distress and carried me to my room) (no sex just kisses)or maybe it was the blue eyed air force guy who gave me beads for making out with him. Why must Betty (my alter ego /drunken self name) be so promiscuous.

OUCH it hurts to burp haha..Okay anyways I have a fever and I am so weak. Worst of all I have white spots on my throat and a swollen neck. DEFINITELY not attractive. Since I am a positive person I feel the need to turn this into a positive sickness. I heard when you get mono you loose a lot of weight because it hurts too bad to eat. YAY. That sure will scare me to eat. And I had a lot of fun making out with sexy muscular men. Positivity rocks! lol.. I sound like some brainless cheerleader. No offense to any of you cheerleaders unless your brainless then most def take offense.

     Okay so remember that test I said to pray/wish me luck on? Well it worked. I made a 92!! Thanks to you guys and some epic note cards that I made. I am so happy, I can't wait to go over it tomorrow to see what I got wrong. I am so obsessed with making good grades its not even funny, kind of really dorky but who cares. I want to make the dean's list.

    So this morning I weighed 166lbs (75.3kgs) and then I just weighed myself again and I weighed 164lbs (74.39kgs)  YAY 2 lbs down the mono weight loss plan must be kicking in haha.. Alright I am exhausted. I will leave you ladies with a good night and some thinspo yay! (brainless cheerleader)

Florida was fun but now its time for some serious recovering!

     Alcohol encourages a different side of me. A more brave and bitchy side. One who thinks she can take down any woman or man. And dance with any guy no matter how hot. One who likes to be naked at any time and in front of whoever. This side of me I like to call Betty. Formally named by a friend who thought I looked like Betty Page. She said I reminded her of Betty Page because I have dark hair and wear red lipstick.

Now if I can achieve this beautiful body.

     Lets just start out with some bad news. I gained 7 lbs (3.18kgs). Which isn't as bad as I thought but its still bad. I didn't do my whole only eat one meal a day thing. It was so hard when people in my room were making me breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. No, no excuses I failed myself and lost that control I crave.


     Back to the slightly good news. I got wild. I am kind of ashamed but I was not caught on camera once. I didn't let myself be. I have my classiness to uphold and being caught on camera just proves of betty's unclassy ways. I guess one of the worse things I did was parasail naked...seemed like a good idea at the time. There are some other things but I will leave it all in Florida :)


     Okay so here are my plans for loosing these 7lbs (3.18kgs):
- I already ate breakfast so I need to fast for the rest of the day
- fast the rest of today and until monday
- go to the gym and walk at least 2 miles a day
- work out and double up on my cardio

Okay its a small fast but anyone in on this with me? We can do it. I love fasting buddies. Later I will post some pictures of Florida and my sun burnt but. So stay tuned haha jk. No but really my ass is burnt.
xoxo