I was afraid to be alone..but now I'm scared thats how I like to be.

      Yesterday I trained with Mr.Mchottypants himself (the boy I went to school with) he trained me for work basically I followed him around for an hour. I even got to take a tables order. I didn't do to bad at it either. He kept asking me if I was okay when I would carry a tray full of drinks to a table.. I'm not sure if he cared or if he didn't want me to mess up his tables drinks and possibly loose tip money. Whatever it was he is so hot. He played football in high school and is still so built from it. I am so small(height wise) compared to him. Which doesn't take much because I am only 5 ft. 1 inch. He stands so tall and strong next to me.

     At the pool yesterday I drank entirely too much and drunk-dialed a lot of people. Military man a was included in that list along with my booty calls. He was talking to me a lot yesterday but I didn't get to post about it. Today not so much.. I don't even remember what I said. This could be bad. After drunk dialing him I broke into my moms new boyfriends car (who is also a police officer) and sat in the back until they came back from having dinner. It was unlocked but basically I broke in.. hehe. What can I say..his car had that new car smell. Betty(aka drunken alter ego) just had to break the rules. Anyways I decided that night that I didn't like my moms new boyfriend he seemed uncomfortable with how me and my sister LS were acting. When all of my sisters and I get together its like the show The Kardashians.

We are wild and loud and perverted. We grab each others boobs and slap each others vaginas we are weird sisters. But when I can tell someone is judging my family I hate them. Thus I hate my mothers new boyfriend. So I got into my car angry and drove away. I....well Betty decided she wanted to swing. So I went to the park and swang for a while then decided to hide my keys from myself so I could text people asking them to come pick me up. I was so lonely and even contemplated floating away off the dock. After falling off of the jungle gym I was too bruised and sore to enjoy the park so I went on a scavenger hunt for my car keys. After finding them I got really depressed and drove to the boat drop off and called my good friend K. Told her about my thoughts of suicide and she called the police. Good thing after I got off the phone with her I drove home. I now have a voice mail for the cops on my phone telling me to call them. I hate feeling so lonely and so depressed. I hate to say it but I don't know how much longer I can last. I just want this period to come and go. This is too much for me to handle.

     I was fasting today but had to eat bread because my stomach was killing me from my hang over. I thought I should just curl up and die then, after eating a piece of toast I felt much better. I keep going outside to sit in the sun because I remember my therapist once told me dark lighting may depress me and that I should sit in the sun when I get depressed. It didn't work. I waited and waited it was beautiful outside but all I could think about is how I don't fit into this beautiful world.

      I won't lie I want Chinese food and if I had money to get some I would but saving for the apartment is more important to me right now. I am so bloated it looks like I'm pregnant.

Sorry for the scattered post. I'm just feeling a little down.