I want you to take over control

     So this weekend didn't turn out how I intended. I didn't eat eggs. I ended up eating sushi and other things. Its almost impossible for me to turn down sushi. Especially when its free sushi provided by my friend K (who is a stripper and just looking to throw away money). From the weekends food I gained 3lbs (1.36kgs). Yesterday I fasted the entire day but came night I caved in, to this stupid but oh so delicious rice. Some how I still lost weight though. Today I fasted all day and this morning I weighed 161lbs(73.03kgs) BUT I just weighed myself now and I weigh 159 lbs(72.12kgs) YAY out of the sick sixties. Moving on to the fat fifties. 

     Today I signed my lease. I have a plan c if I don't make enough money. I have a feeling I might loose followers from saying this but my plan c is dancing. Lets be honest about this respectful term called dancer. The dancer I am talking about is the let me stick my but in your face and shake it for a $50 dancer not the let me honorably twirl on stage dancer. I know its wrong but the other night after a failed suicide attempt. I knew I had to get out of here. Away from my father. I love him so very much but he is suffocating me. If I have to I will sell my body not have sex or anything sexual but dance for money. I have been dancing since I was little so I am very flexible. This is only a plan c. Plan A is that I make the money. Plan B is that I use a credit card. Plan C is the regretful dancing. Nothing has to be more painful then sore cut wrist. I will sell my soul for rent just to get away from my beloved father.  I need this freedom, I need this life away from my father that all my siblings have but me. No one understands my pain. He is a stressed man who is very bitter. Everyday he curses my mother for leaving him. She was smart to get out, and now I will be too. That sounds terrible but I have to.

     This weekend my sister YS who's husband is in the military let me speak to one of her husbands military friends who thought I was hot on the phone. Needless to say we've been talking and I convinced him to buy me a plane ticket to go see my sister. He hasn't bought it yet but he promised and I believe him because he is genuine. He told me he wants to take me dancing one night. He is so sweet. I am not sure what to call him or if he is going to be important in my life or not so we will just call him (for now) Military Man A. I am supposed to fly there after my semester at school ends on may 13th. So some time after that I should be going to see my sister and my military man a. I want to be at least 150lbs (68.04kgs) by then.
We will see. I don't have any plans as to how I will do this. Just some simple fasting. Then of course restricting. So I will fast tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday. Oh and also J and I have still been talking about stupid shit. But I kinda like that were actually talking and not using each other for sex. Which is how our relationship usually goes. I feel like I am starting to get to know him and of course the down side of this is I am starting to like him. Once again. Stupid girl, will you ever learn? I just love his personality, he is not nice at all but that is what I love. I love ass holes. There must be something in the water because my friend K can only pick assholes too. I weighed myself just now because of how anal I am and I weigh 160lbs(72.57kgs) Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Going to bed -_-