Either my scale is broken or I'm about to break it.

     This morning the scale did not move from yesterday. So does that basically mean I wasted a day fasting? What did I do wrong? Is it because I skipped the gym? I expected to be at my 2nd goal weight by now.

this is about to be me....
Anyways I was so dissatisfied with my weight I decided to fast during the day and eat tonight on account of it was my mommy's birthday and its a tradition to have dinner together on the family members birthday. Luckily she let me cook. So I cooked chicken breast with parsley and some seasoning and black pepper and made a salad with black olives, cabbage, cherry tomatoes and feta cheese(my weakness). It made a nice dinner. My mother originally wanted to go to hooters which is a restaurant with lots of fried food and waitresses walking around in barley any clothes at all. So while I'm getting fat I have to look at the skinny girls. I hate that place.

I don't know who this is but I didn't want to post any pictures of my skinny minny friends that work here because I want to protect them and me. But this is the uniform and they serve fried food. They obviously don't eat there.

     Anyways my sister is coming into town tonight I am so excited she has an e.d. too. She is my oldest sister. I have one more that's older than me and a younger brother. Anyways this sister, LS is a mia veteran. She has had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember once I remember she was fat then she got really skinny fast. She is my hero. I love her so much. I remember how proud I felt when she complimented me at 115lbs (52.16kgs) and after that compliment I yearned for more. But of course I loved all the compliments I was receiving. So I tried harder and harder. She obviously became worried when I got down to 99lbs (44.91kgs) and started to understand what I was going through because she herself was going through it too. No one should wish this type of life on someone or should ever bare to see someone go through this. Especially a sister, once she told me she felt responsible for my e.d. I think there are a lot of things that have triggered it. I wish I couldn't say she was one of them but she sort of is. My mother is too though.

  I am studied up for this test and if I make anything less then a B+ I will be VERY pissed. Tomorrow is the start of a 2-3 day fast. I will get down to my goal weight!!! I am so determined. Oh and I've been going to starbucks everyday this week that they know my order. So today when she asked if it was the same thing I said no and changed it up even though the thing I ordered has that fattening whip cream. I just didn't want to be defined as predictable. So I saw the first thing on the list and ordered. I guess this makes me pathetic. Is it bad to want to be unique. I know I'm unique but I want others to see it too. In my sociology book it says no 2 people are alike. It makes me feel a lot better.

xoxoxox

Oh and p.s. This is my favorite part in step brothers idk why I think its so funny. I just die laughing everytime I watch it.

"this clown has no penis" PAHAHHAAHAHHA
Goodnight :)

A day 3 fast binge? I think not.

This Mornings Weight: 162 (73.48 kgs) (2 pounds away from my next g.w.)
Consumed: 1 Starbucks coffee and a power-c machine made by naked juice found at target

    

     Its a love hate relationship when my father ask me if I have eaten today. Not a normal question you would ask someone but he knows what I'm up to. His big heart likes to think I just forgot to eat though, he knows though deep down. Even when the doctors told him he denied it. Any problems I've ever had he's denied it. Once he called my suicide attempt stress and a lack of sleep. I love the "have you eaten today" question because it gives me the satisfaction of thinking no I HAVE NOT eaten today. Victory! I also hate it because I have to lie. And I am the worse liar, I move my eyes around in a panic, wondering if they know I'm lying. Sometimes I even bust out laughing.

     Today I had a feeling of binging on day 3 of the fast. I went downstairs to carry through my thoughts of binging to real life but when I got to my kitchen I was disgusted. Everything I looked at made me less hungry. It was surreal. I ran to my room just in case the food suddenly made me want it. I never want this feeling to end. My father just called trying to bribe me to eat with my favorite dish. He definitely knows. This morning he woke up extra early and went to buy a cake. The cake didn't even inspire a binge. I feel invincible.
But the hunger pains are making for a good challenge. Sometimes the challenge is too much for me to take and triggers a binge.

     I'm not sure if I will make it another day to do a 4 day fast. Maybe I will eat tomorrow then do a 2 or 3 day fast. Depends on when I'm leaving for Florida. Can't fast on a car ride. People usually know whats up when you deny 3 meals. I will be able to get away with 2 meals a day when I get there. Saying my pills made me forget or some stupid excuse like that. 

     Looks like my neighbor is ditching me we were supposed to go to the gym I can't miss 2 days in a row. I don't think I will be able to make it though I feel so weak and my eyes aren't working.
Stupid eating disorder and its horrible effects on my body.  
Okay I just decided staying home will be best for tonight I feel a possible faint coming on. I also decided to eat tomorrow. Hopefully it goes a little something like this.


Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs without the yoke which I believe is 15 calories
Lunch: Tuna (calories unknown) mustard(0 calories :D) and a piece of dry toast 70 calories.
Dinner: I'm not to sure on that one. Any suggestions?

xoxoxo

  P.S.   I think I might continue my story on friday. Oh and I have an exam on friday so pray for me or wish me luck. Whatever you believe in just do it because I need to pass this class!! :D

My Story-Its all about control until you loose it then its all about "where did I go wrong?"

Its all about control until you loose it then its all about "where did I go wrong?" -Silhouette      


     All my life I have been walked on, taken advantage of and mislead. But for all of this I must admit I was naive and let most of it happen. I guess I will start with the first traumatic event I had as a pre-teen. I was 5'0 and weighted a healthy 120lbs (54.43kgs). I was that cool 13 year old dating the 18 year old bad boy. He smoked weed and drove a car. It was all a new world compared to my strict conservative life at home. Someone other than my parents driving was so cool to me and I'm sure cool to any girl at 13. I decided I wanted to try drugs, which was a BIG deal because I was so innocent I should of been an angel. I was a big hippie. I didn't like cussing, meat, I never did a drug in my life and was a virgin and wanted to stay that way until I was 25 and married. I wanted the fairytale. I didn't even like violence and refused to watch harry potter on a count of it was too violent for me.

     Anyways I told Thomas that I wanted to try weed. I said it just like that too "I want to try weed". Not smoke but try and not mary j, or any other term it was weed. I didn't know what to call it or how to say it I didn't know how to smoke or hold it in. So I looked up how it was supposed to make me feel the side effects from it. I remember the night he came and picked me up I snuck out of my house and ran to his parked car in the drive way when I got up to the car it was filled with guys uncomfortable I sat between thomas's legs on the floor of the car in the passenger seat. We drove for 15 minutes to a golf course and when we all got there we sat near the lite bathrooms. Where the only light was coming from. It was dark and cold and I cuddled up next to thomas for warmth. They passed around the pipe and I quietly studied there smoking techniques.

       Finally the pipe made its way around the circle to me. I tried to smoke but it just felt weird. I think I took around 5 hits. For someone who never did drugs it was a lot. All the side effects I looked up were nothing like what I felt. I was supposed to be laughing at everything or super quiet in the zone day dreaming kind of thing. But I felt numb I felt like I couldn't walk. I had lost control. I didn't feel good and I complained to thomas to take me home. So he carried me to the parked car like a damsel in distress. So sweet I remember thinking. He laid me down in the back seat and scooted in putting my head on his lap.

Just to let you guys know this might not be as horrible to you as it is for me but it really is like opening these traumatic doors again and its really hard for me to tell the story so as best I can I will. It may not be as detailed as before but I just want to rush through it.

     I don't remember much because through all my life I have blocked it out of my thoughts. I remember somehow he forced his way on me I tried to push him off but the drugs made me so weak. Something was wrong something was definitely wrong. I remember I kept thinking can he not hear me? I don't think he can hear me. Through all my fight I ended up on of course the floor of the backseat of the car. I was crying into my knees and he had grown hard.
What a sick pervert to achieve a boner from a crying 13 year old girl.
ANYWAYS, so in a sweet voice he told me not to cry and to just help him out looking down at his dick. I wanted nothing more but to go home, so I said "if I do will you take me home? Please just take me home." He agreed. Keep in mind I had never done anything like this before I had never even touched a guys penis or even made out with tongue. So he unzipped his pants and out came this ugly monster that stood straight up. I think I remember it big like a monster or maybe it was because I felt so small and helpless when really it was 3 inches. I hope it was 3 inches.

     I begin to do what I thought was the right way to give a hand job. I did my version of a hand job for about 3 minutes-crying all the while. Then he became fed up with my lack of experience and grabbed my hand helping me out I told him " I wanted to stop" " I didn't feel right" and  " I just want to go home, please thomas take me home". I think my pleads made him more angry so he grabbed my face and smashed it into his dick. I didn't know what to do but cry so hard his penis became wet with tears, snot and slobber. When he was finished he came all over my rainbow shirt I wore just for him, because he said he liked me in yellow. Then he grabbed my cheeks (which were puffy from tears and his penis) with one hand and told me to "Shut the fuck up and not to tell anyone". I nodded my head. With his hand still clenching my cheeks he pushed my face back.

     I sat there in the car waiting for him to round up his friends. I sat in the back I didn't want to be near this boy who I thought I knew and almost loved ( in a puppy love 13 year old kind of way). When his friends got in the car I was forced to take my spot back up in the front with him on the passenger seat floor, between his legs. On the way home his friend asked me how I liked smoking weed. I mumbled how weird I felt and how numb my body was.- which at that time I didn't know if it was from the drugs or because of what just happened. He laughed and said "Oh yeah that's because we laced it with yay." Yay a.k.a cocaine my worst nightmare had come true. I didn't want to ever do a hardcore drug like cocaine but it was the least of my worries cocaine was the start of it all.

Now I think about it i wish I could of bit his dick off.

Anyways today I have consumed nothing and I don't really feel like writing anymore. I'm in a dark place in my life thinking about Thomas and I don't want to write because it might be depressing and Thomas is my past I don't want my past to get the best of who I am today. He is nothing to me. Oh and the reason I didn't hide his name is because I don't care to protect his dignity. He sucks the end.
Oh and this morning I weighed 164 lbs (74.39kgs) so yay. I also had a panic attack and couldn't find my pills but this was earlier.

Okay thank you guys for reading sorry its so depressing but this is one of the events in my life that gave me a need for control and food.

xoxxoxo

Trinity's Crying

     This morning when I stepped on the scale heavy from the day before's food rotting in my stomach I weighed 166lbs(75.3kgs) Yuck.
Today I have consumed:
-water (of corse)
-Naked All natural fruit boost

     This Naked juice is yummy and a great after work out reward especially when I feel the fainting point. I love this juice. I got it from Target next to the salad supplies, fruits and vegetables. Its 100% juice and there is no sugar added. It even has what fruits and the boost it is made with. 

The fruit: 2 3/4 apples, 1/2 banana, 1/3 kiwi, and a hint of pineapple
The Boost: 1300mg spirulina (I have no idea), 400mg chlorella, 100mg broccoli, 100mg spinach, 50mg blue green algae ( doesn't sound too pleasant), 50mg garlic(?) 75mg barley grass, 75mg wheat grass, 50mg ginger, and 50mg parsley

      Wow for having all that stuff in it, a lot of it gross sounding, it tasted fucking awesome. The calorie count is 280. Not the number I want, but it has all of this healthy stuff in it so I won't complain. :)

     I didn't do too much cardio at the gym which is regrettable but there were just so many people in there and it was making me nervous. I tend to get "nervous" or as my doctor likes to say anxiety when I'm on a mission and there is a lot of people blocking me from getting it done and not letting me focus. So I tried to get out of there as fast as I could.

     K and I wanted to do a GTL day (gym, tan, laundry) but we decided not to because our schedules were different. I think it was a good thing we didn't hang out though because I always feel obligated to eat around her. Even when I don't really feel all that hungry just because of her smirky little comments. I hope she doesn't say anymore there really starting to get annoying. I might just look up effects of sex addictions and throw them in here and there just to see how she feels but I'm not in the mood for a fight right before we leave for spring break.

     Disappointed because I haven't had the first growl of the fast today. Really what can I expect, I've been eating normal for the past 2 weeks. Hopefully it will come tomorrow. I don't even feel hungry. Just a little lightheaded from the work out. This isn't really a challenge for me although it is only day one. I still don't feel like I'm controlling myself unless there is some kind of challenge. I think I might go 4 days. If you want to join let me know I love having fasting buddies it makes the ride a little smoother to know someone else is doing it too. You also get an accountability partner ha. Heather is doing the fast with me I think :).

      I haven't talked to J since may 10. Although I said I didn't want to talk to him again I'm a little upset he hasn't tried to talk to me STILL. I have a lot of self control with men as well so I know I won't talk to him first. But all the self control goes down the drain if he does talk to me. I know I would respond. Wahhhh. Oh well, I need to keep my focus on school and ana. And on spring break my focus will be drinking and partying. This may sound immature but if I don't get arrested or end up on the beach naked this spring break I will not feel I did my fellow spring breakers good. I might be a disappointment. I don't like to disappoint. ;) No posting for a week. Its going to be a sad week

OH SHIT THE FIRST GROWL OF THE FAST JUST HAPPENED. Yay. So. Freaking. Satisfied. Now I can go to sleep on an empty stomach and a happy head. Good night all you skinnies
xoxoxox

P.S. Don't judge me, I like weird music. Its beautiful in a sad way. <3

3-4 day fast.

     So it has been a very long time since I fully completed a 5 day fast. I'm taking it easy now. 3-4 day fast seems easy and do-able. Of course I say this now but who knows how I will feel at the time. This morning I was 164 lbs (74.39kgs) which isn't the best but I will take it. I haven't eaten totally bad today but still I will be more satisfied with that empty stomach, light headed feeling. I live for it.
   
     Today while I was eating a subway sandwich with my best friend K she looks at me and says " You know when you starve yourself your body goes into panic and stores food?" Annoyed I look at her and say "yes K I know, I know my risk do you see me eating this sandwich? Am I fucking not eating right now? Obviously I am. Do I throw it in your face that your addicted to sex?"-She got my point. I'm tired of these little "did you know" facts. I already know them. Ughh I long for that feeling of control that I will have tomorrow. The control I have over myself over my stomach, I can't wait the first stomach growl-it is always the best. Its a bitter sweet moment really. Man I sound crazy. haha
  
     Anyways I promise by tuesday I will have my story up and my goal weights and all that good stuff. This weekend just went by so fast. Spring break will be here in a week I hope to be at least 155lbs (70.31kgs) when I get there. I won't be able to work out the whole time there because K and I are getting a hotel with 3 other boys. Doing crunches every night in front of guys kind of makes me feel uneasy.

     Off to bed with me, I have a big day tomorrow :). Eager beaver .
xoxoxo

OH AND P.S: Nessa I miss you, your blog and your poop talks. I always appreciated the talks about poop. <3

Body Fat Percentage

     So I went to the trainer for my free training session with my friend K (the stripper) and what do you know. He wants to weigh me and take my body fat % in the middle of the gym. Great I thought to myself now this cute trainer and the rest of the gym can know how FAT I really am. I assumed my body fat % to be around 60 % and a "Healthy" percentage for woman is 24% well mine wasn't as bad as I thought it was 36.2%. Not good but not as bad as I assumed. K got 29% she doesn't even try and she eats, a lot. Bitch. Haha, Something that really pissed me off was when K asked the trainer what exactly does not eating and working out do. She knows DAMN well what it does. She and my family are the only ones who know about my e.d. K does things like this all the time to just leave a reminder for me here and there that this is not healthy. I've lived with this almost my whole life. I know its not healthy you don't think I see the effects it has on my body, my hair falls out, I get weak blah blah blah. I FUCKING ALREADY KNOW. I do not need any reminders. I don't make remarks here and there is it healthy to be addicted to sex. No I don't do it because I know she doesn't like to talk about it so I leave it alone. UGH vent finished. No more angry typing I promise ha.
    
     Anyways I haven't been fasting very much lately because I have been sick and although it is no excuse, I just don't have enough energy to try and control anything so I've been counting calories and burning more than I eat. Somehow when it comes to the gym I have enough energy. I'm becoming obsessed with the gym, and I love it. Somehow becoming more and more obsessed with the gym is making my one-sided feelings for J fade. He still hasn't talked to me but everyday I hope he does. Just so I can reject him. Its evil yes I know but somehow this will be the closure I need. No sex needed.

     This weekend I plan to edit my blog see if I can't get my old blogs over here. And I decided to become brave and tell my story. I hope no one judges me but I will get to this all weekend long. Oh and these past few days my weight has stayed at 165lbs (74kgs) Subract 8 lbs for my head..thank you very much! Lol just kidding. This weight sucks I want to be 155 by the time I leave. In 1 week and 3 days. In order to be that I will need to do some serious fasting. I just need to get better.

     Ooooh Its raining here. I love the rain, it makes me sleepy and cuddly. Okay I commented some blogs today but I need to read the rest tomorrow.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox