My Story-Its all about control until you loose it then its all about "where did I go wrong?"

Its all about control until you loose it then its all about "where did I go wrong?" -Silhouette      


     All my life I have been walked on, taken advantage of and mislead. But for all of this I must admit I was naive and let most of it happen. I guess I will start with the first traumatic event I had as a pre-teen. I was 5'0 and weighted a healthy 120lbs (54.43kgs). I was that cool 13 year old dating the 18 year old bad boy. He smoked weed and drove a car. It was all a new world compared to my strict conservative life at home. Someone other than my parents driving was so cool to me and I'm sure cool to any girl at 13. I decided I wanted to try drugs, which was a BIG deal because I was so innocent I should of been an angel. I was a big hippie. I didn't like cussing, meat, I never did a drug in my life and was a virgin and wanted to stay that way until I was 25 and married. I wanted the fairytale. I didn't even like violence and refused to watch harry potter on a count of it was too violent for me.

     Anyways I told Thomas that I wanted to try weed. I said it just like that too "I want to try weed". Not smoke but try and not mary j, or any other term it was weed. I didn't know what to call it or how to say it I didn't know how to smoke or hold it in. So I looked up how it was supposed to make me feel the side effects from it. I remember the night he came and picked me up I snuck out of my house and ran to his parked car in the drive way when I got up to the car it was filled with guys uncomfortable I sat between thomas's legs on the floor of the car in the passenger seat. We drove for 15 minutes to a golf course and when we all got there we sat near the lite bathrooms. Where the only light was coming from. It was dark and cold and I cuddled up next to thomas for warmth. They passed around the pipe and I quietly studied there smoking techniques.

       Finally the pipe made its way around the circle to me. I tried to smoke but it just felt weird. I think I took around 5 hits. For someone who never did drugs it was a lot. All the side effects I looked up were nothing like what I felt. I was supposed to be laughing at everything or super quiet in the zone day dreaming kind of thing. But I felt numb I felt like I couldn't walk. I had lost control. I didn't feel good and I complained to thomas to take me home. So he carried me to the parked car like a damsel in distress. So sweet I remember thinking. He laid me down in the back seat and scooted in putting my head on his lap.

Just to let you guys know this might not be as horrible to you as it is for me but it really is like opening these traumatic doors again and its really hard for me to tell the story so as best I can I will. It may not be as detailed as before but I just want to rush through it.

     I don't remember much because through all my life I have blocked it out of my thoughts. I remember somehow he forced his way on me I tried to push him off but the drugs made me so weak. Something was wrong something was definitely wrong. I remember I kept thinking can he not hear me? I don't think he can hear me. Through all my fight I ended up on of course the floor of the backseat of the car. I was crying into my knees and he had grown hard.
What a sick pervert to achieve a boner from a crying 13 year old girl.
ANYWAYS, so in a sweet voice he told me not to cry and to just help him out looking down at his dick. I wanted nothing more but to go home, so I said "if I do will you take me home? Please just take me home." He agreed. Keep in mind I had never done anything like this before I had never even touched a guys penis or even made out with tongue. So he unzipped his pants and out came this ugly monster that stood straight up. I think I remember it big like a monster or maybe it was because I felt so small and helpless when really it was 3 inches. I hope it was 3 inches.

     I begin to do what I thought was the right way to give a hand job. I did my version of a hand job for about 3 minutes-crying all the while. Then he became fed up with my lack of experience and grabbed my hand helping me out I told him " I wanted to stop" " I didn't feel right" and  " I just want to go home, please thomas take me home". I think my pleads made him more angry so he grabbed my face and smashed it into his dick. I didn't know what to do but cry so hard his penis became wet with tears, snot and slobber. When he was finished he came all over my rainbow shirt I wore just for him, because he said he liked me in yellow. Then he grabbed my cheeks (which were puffy from tears and his penis) with one hand and told me to "Shut the fuck up and not to tell anyone". I nodded my head. With his hand still clenching my cheeks he pushed my face back.

     I sat there in the car waiting for him to round up his friends. I sat in the back I didn't want to be near this boy who I thought I knew and almost loved ( in a puppy love 13 year old kind of way). When his friends got in the car I was forced to take my spot back up in the front with him on the passenger seat floor, between his legs. On the way home his friend asked me how I liked smoking weed. I mumbled how weird I felt and how numb my body was.- which at that time I didn't know if it was from the drugs or because of what just happened. He laughed and said "Oh yeah that's because we laced it with yay." Yay a.k.a cocaine my worst nightmare had come true. I didn't want to ever do a hardcore drug like cocaine but it was the least of my worries cocaine was the start of it all.

Now I think about it i wish I could of bit his dick off.

Anyways today I have consumed nothing and I don't really feel like writing anymore. I'm in a dark place in my life thinking about Thomas and I don't want to write because it might be depressing and Thomas is my past I don't want my past to get the best of who I am today. He is nothing to me. Oh and the reason I didn't hide his name is because I don't care to protect his dignity. He sucks the end.
Oh and this morning I weighed 164 lbs (74.39kgs) so yay. I also had a panic attack and couldn't find my pills but this was earlier.

Okay thank you guys for reading sorry its so depressing but this is one of the events in my life that gave me a need for control and food.

xoxxoxo