- Will I make enough money to make rent.
- Will I get homesick and want to go home back to daddy even though its 15 minutes away
- I hope my dog gets along with my new roomies cat
- Will I make enough money
- money
- money
- moneyyy!!!!!!
I've never lived on my own. Why am I doing this? I feel a sort of sadness for my father. Its like I already miss him and I haven't yet moved out. I'm about to be 20. I've come to the conclusion its time to grow up. And moving away from daddy the man who spoils me to pieces would be best. I am his youngest daughter and admittedly his favorite. I hate this negative feeling in the pit of my stomach its like hes already missing from my life. FOR GOODNESS SAKE SILHOUETTE ITS 6 MILES AWAY FROM HIM! Your right I need to get over it- I am a big girl now. (sometimes I talk to myself...) I've packed up one box and already I feel regret. -_-
Okay so the guy I dated for 4 years and screwed me up giving me commitment issues, well we still talk (used to at least). At the beginning of the year he told me he was in love with me and sent me this long email about how I am the one and blah blah blah. Well I told him he needed to choose between smoking weed and me.
-I have nothing against weed I smoke it on occasion
-When he smokes weed he completely changes and becomes really depressed
I am already dysfunctional and I wouldn't be able to deal with the depression it would make me even more depressed. He told me he wasn't going to quit smoking weed. Which translates to me that he choose weed over me...Am I wrong?
So we agreed on remaining friends which has worked out until last night when we got into a fight. He wasn't texting me back so I sent him an ugly text message about how I was never going to talk to him again and that he shouldn't ignore me and I don't know why I ever tried with him. Well he apologized for ignoring me and then told me that he doesn't think I feel the same way about him that he does for me and that it would be smart to part ways because he can't get over me with me still in his life. So we have parted ways. I already miss him. There's no one like your first love. Please tell me something different. Please reassure me that I will forget him soon.
I ate this morning 2 yogurts that are supposed to make you poop. Well I pooped before I ate them but not after. I will just stick to good ol' laxatives. Tomorrow I will be doing an all day fast no yogurts that say they help you poop. I'm just so depressed right now. Drinking water -_-. Oh this morning I weighed 166 lbs (75.3kgs). I want to loose 6lbs to get to my next goal. I can do it. I need focus, no thoughts on the boy who fucks with my head. We will call him D.T. This could possibly be the last time I talk about D.T. though so whats the point in making a nickname for him? False hope is all. I decided against deleting him from my facebook. I want him to log on and miss me and see how awesome my life is. Even though it isn't I must portray living an awesome life. I need to stop being sad. This is ridiculous he chose weed. Its funny how the boy who gave me commitment issues wants me to commit. Funny how things work out isn't it. Maybe its karma. Who knows....
List of Books:
- WinterGirls by: Laurie Halse Anderson (I read on someones blog, I forgot who, that they read this book and that it was awesome so I want to read it)
-Just Listen by: Sarah Dressen (I've read it before and I loved it back when I read it first)
-Go ask Alice by: Anonymous (loved this book it was twisted and awesome)
-Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by: Marya Hornbacher
-Thin By: Grace Bowman
-Feeling For Bones by: Bethany Pierce
-The best little girl in the world by: Steven Levenkron
-Purge: rehab diaries by: Nicole Johns
-Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by:Portia De Rossi
P.S. I think my roommate fast sometimes. She told me she hadn't eaten yesterday at all...So yay!!
ALSO I decided to start smoking again..I have so much worrying and anxiety that I need some cigs to calm me down. So yes I will go back to my good ol' smokes.
Marlboro makes a pretty good menthol.
ReplyDeleteMoney is such a worry when you live by yourself. Hopefully you get along well with your new roommate.
That guy definitely chose weed over you, he really has no right to feel you wronged him in any way. I don't know if you ever forget but you find new relationships and develop new feelings. Things hurt less with time.
I think you can do this. It is hard, and yes, money will be an issue but work hard. I know you can. And home is so close. You can always visit.
ReplyDeleteHe chose weed. He obviously cant see how amazing you really are. If he honestly cared like he said he did, then he would have not hesitated. Personal opinion. But you will come out stronger by the end of this. Keep your head up even when you just want to fall over. You are strong. Sending you love.
i have so much to say when i was reading your post, and now i lost it. haha... onmyway is right, you can do this... and you can still see your father if you miss him :)
ReplyDeleteaw... i hate it when my someone chooses somebody else instead of me... but i know you'll get it through, hun. :)