Moving out, but not away. No no I can't stay.

I know I am your baby

but your grasp around me is breath taking 

I just wish to be free to grow

Please stop holding me down 

I feel so withered now.

To weak to move

To weak to loose,

all the courage I just gained

from brave words she whispered into my brain.

I backed down and fell into my usual frown.

I want to give up and let you rule all.

But I need a place I can go

where peace is found and anger has no sound.

This isn't working out. 

The screaming is eating away at me.

 I stand back up brave again.

Not to fall from fear have faith.

I'll find the peace I long for in a better place.

You can't control me anymore. 

I always had my own brain

Trail of thought

and words to claim.

Just let me fly 

in the air so high.

I just want to see it for myself and know reasons why.

I want to experience life.

Please daddy, just let me fly. 

 -Silhouette

     So I have been planing to move out for quite some time I just never had the guts to do it. Now that I am getting serious about finally moving out my dad is freaking out. He is also pissed my roommate is a lesbian. I love my new roommate our personalities are a lot alike. Like we both don't like confrontation and we are both kind of push overs ( as much as I hate to admit I am). He said he wouldn't pay for my car payment if I lived with a lesbian and that she would try to touch me and I would turn gay. Please don't think my father is stupid he is a foreigner and in his country when people announced/were found out to being gay they were killed. And crowds cheered for the death of gay people. My mother who I would like to call a saint. Taught me not to judge anyone no matter what they did. I stood up for my roommate not because shes my friend because blood is thicker than water, but because she is a person and just because of a choice she makes doesn't mean she should be hated for it. Its like in the old days when the women first started wearing pants. People were upset and wanted to kill them and hated them for it but look at what it has turned into. Fashion. First it was a statement now its fashion. Sometimes change is good. Being gay is not personally for me but someone else isn't going to effect me. Anyways I am not proud of this but I did what I could for him to accept me moving out. I know its hard for your youngest daughter to move out but I am about to be 20 and have yet to live outside of the house I grew up in. So I made a false accusation  that I was going to commit suicide and he gave in. 

I have never done that before, nor will I ever do that again. I am on my period and feeling a little theatrical.

  So I lost all the weight I gained in Florida but I gained 2 lbs back in 2 days. From all the shit I ate and alcohol I drank yesterday. In my defense I ate at 3 in the morning so the fast was officially over. Anyways tomorrow I will fast the whole day and then tomorrow eat some eggs. Agh I need to have a plan. I usually have a plan. I feel all out of whack from this fight I just had with my dad. I love him but hes just so stubborn. And for the longest time I lived my life off of solely what pleased him. I wanted him to be proud of me. My mom was always proud of me because she is a fucking saint but my dad is a little harder to please. He doesn't show love like my mother. He shows love by buying me things and gifts. Not such a bad thing as a child and you really really need that barbie doll. Point being as an adult I feel I need advice I need hugs. Idk There's a lot I will miss but I feel like my father and I have grown far apart and maybe being literally apart will help us get along again. I just need my daddy but not his hovering arms with hands to hold me down. 

Okay so back on track fasting tomorrow. 

I need sleep I've cried too much tonight to miss any sleep. Sorry for the shit blog entry. 

 

I just want his approval in life. I feel like I can't do anything unless he says its okay. I have been "Daddy's little girl" all my life. I am his favorite out of 3 daughters even my mother told me. Maybe because I have the most problems and he feels the need to fix me. He believes that when I don't speak things are going good, and I am all fixed. But really I am probably imagining numbers. My life is ruled by numbers. I wish my daddy knew. I wish he could fix me. I am probably hopeless. I've been in hospitals nothing ever works. I always come back to what I know best. I might be breaking my fathers heart for my freedom. Is freedom really worth it. I care so much about him. Part of me believes he knows this and knows if he says certain things I will stay. My parents are divorced. I don't want him to be alone but am I willing to sacrifice seeing the world. Exploring?

 

I need sleep and to get off my period. I am being such a whiny baby I know. 

 

If you read this you rock!<3